Introduction
According the U.S. Census Bureau, 50% of first marriages end in divorce and 80% of those who divorce remarry within five years. Because of the frequency of multiple marriages, there is no longer a stigma attached to blended families and stepparents. What is closer to the truth: The evil stepmother as portrayed in Cinderella, or the ideal blended family we are all familiar with from the Brady Bunch? The truth likely lies somewhere in the middle.
Initially, the stepparent may be viewed like the substitute teacher at school. A child may not be sure how long this new person will be around. The child may want to test the limits of what he or she can get away with around this “new” person. As a family law practitioner, we are often faced with advising our clients, on both side of the issue, how to navigate the issues of the blended family. Occasionally, the issues may end up in court. There is little case law defining the proper role of the stepparent.1 The Nevada legislature or the Nevada Supreme Court should consider defining the proper role of the stepparent.2 The purpose of this article is to discuss the issues and the appropriate role for stepparents.
Establishing Relationship With The Children
One thing should be clear, a stepparent is different from a parent. Although admirable for a stepparent wanting to act as a parent, if a child already has two biological parents, it is a mistake to allow the stepparent to believe that they are the child’s parent. A step parent, however, is not an equal to a biological parent. A Stepparent is, and should be, a “second class parent” and must learn to accept their proper role.
A new stepparent may be viewed as an outsider by the children. Although the parent fell in love with his or her new spouse, the children did not. Children should be given the appropriate time to accept their parents’ divorce and will need additional time to accept a parent’s new spouse. Although the children may resist, the new stepparent must be patient and accept a “second class role.” The stepparent must understand the family rules and expect the parent to support and have the respect of the stepparent’s role, but the stepparent must not overreach and should not discipline the children.
Generally, the relationship between stepparent and the children will develop slowly. Everyone involved must have patience and understand that forcing the issue will likely be counterproductive. Find common interests and attempt to share some one on one time with the children to establish a bond. Communication is the key.
Communication
The biological parents and the step parent should have an open discussion about the expected roles and responsibilities of the new stepparent. Preferably, this conversation would take place before marriage, but that probably is a rarity. The stepparent should tell the children he or she is not their parent, they are not trying to be their parent, and they respect roles of both of their biological parents. At the same time, however, the stepparent would like to be a part of their lives and will proceed at the children’s pace.
How Should Children Refer to Stepparent
In short: However, they want. The biological parent will naturally feel some hurt and rejection if the children choose to refer to their stepparent as “mom,” or “dad.” If the children do this naturally [accept. Authority?]. The children, however, should never be forced, nor should it be suggested they refer to their stepparent this way. Most children, except those very young at the time of the remarriage, will refer to stepparent by their first name.
Discipline of the Children
The stepparent’s role in disciplining his or her step children should be minimal. Discipline by the stepparent can cause resentment and animosity by the children and the biological parents. Further, the stepparent should support the biological parents’ discipline and not undermine it with the children by attempting to garner favor with the children.
Coparenting
Again, it is admirable if a stepparent wants to be actively involved with their step children’s lives. They should be invited to school programs, athletic events and ceremonies. The stepparent, however, should not invade such events such as parent/teacher conferences or doctors’ appointments unless both biological parents are comfortable.
Conclusion
“Being a stepparent is one of the most difficult roles any adult will ever assume.”3 There is a fine line between a stepparent being criticized for not caring or not participating in their stepchildren’s lives and being too involved. The fact remains, however, that a stepparent should be a “second class parent.” The stepparent must respect the role of both biological parents and not attempt to usurp their roles. A stepparent must respect the role of both biological parents, understand what the child is feeling and act in a supporting role.
Sources
Step Parenting and Blended Family Advice, http://helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm
Step Family Realties, Margaret Newman
Step Family Association of America, 402-477-step, stepfam.org
“Step Parenting Tips,” www.iloveindia.com/parenting/step-parenting/index.html
“Family First: Your First Step-by-Step Plan For Creating a Phenomenal Family.”
“How To Win As A Step Family,” Visher and Visher, (2 ed.1991)
“The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Stepparenting,” Erika Lutz (1998).